"It's brilliant, being depressed; you can behave as badly as you like. " -- Nick Hornby

We've been having a bunch of crazy weather this weekend, Tornadoes, wild thunderstorms, falling trees, everything. My dad called me a little while ago and told me about all the trees that were knocked down in his neighborhood. Because of the thunderstorms last night (and my bizzaro sleep habits) I couldn't sleep. I just lied in bed listening to some weird late night talk show about if the Crystal skulls from the new Indiana Jones film a real or not. And thinking 'bout my childhood. As usual when I'm lying in bed thinking about stuff my mind just wandered to the negative.
I was wondering about my grade school years. I am self-diagnosed ADD/ADHD and mildly dyslexic. And I have struggled with these all my life. I don't know if my parents ever had me tested for these. I think they might have. But then again my childhood was full of doctors ranging for heart doctors to specialist for my birth defects. Also, I have in many ways either forgotten or blocked out most of my childhood so how am I to know.
I do know that my parents mad a conscientious decision to not put me on the drug Ritalin heavily being pushed back then. I know now that that was one of the hardest decisions they ever made with me. I also, know now that it probably was the right thing for my future.
but back then, It made my school years very very hard. I did next to nothing  in school. A few of my teachers all but gave up on me (teachers will tell you they don't do this but we all know they do).
I kind of wish my parents would have sat me down and told me about my conditions and explained to me what and why I was the way I was. I wish they had explained to me ways to control it. They probably didn't so that I could just have a bit of my childhood innocence in tact.
They never gave up though, I'll give them that much, they got me tutors (well actually, paid my cousin to tutor me) and put in long frustrating hours working with me.
I knew that there was something wrong, but mostly just felt stupid. I felt isolated from my peers because I could barely do things like basic math. And this lead to so negative behaviors.
Growing up, I had a relationship with my parents, especially my father, that was very stern and controlling. I never felt I could go to him about problems. He was very distant and unapproachable emotionally. The only emotion I ever saw from him was anger. I was very afraid of his temper. I was afraid that he would react with anger if I went to him about anything. My mother has even said to me that my father wanted us to fear him.
I'm still dealing with some of those issues today, but mostly I know how foolish they were. But, I wonder and wish about how my life could have been.
Like I said, My parents decision to not medicate me for ADD was a good thing. I know a number of people form my generation that can not function in society because they never learned how to deal with life without popping a pill. I am so glad that I did not end up like them. But was I diagnosed ADD and what would it have been like if I knew what was wrong with me fifteen years ago? I may not have been medicated but there are a number of was to handle ADD without it. But did we even know them back then?
I often think about my fucked up life. About all the mistakes I've made and where I am because of them. It has taken me much longer then most people to figure my life and and get my shit together. I know, most of it is my own damned fault and blaming my father is just plain wrong. But I just can't help but wonder.

Mark