I have been in a total funk all weekend. I just haven't been all right, you know?

I have been having trouble sleeping, worse then when I normally have trouble sleeping. And when I do get to sleep it's not for very long or something else that makes it less then enjoyable. Like on Friday Night/Saturday Morning I had a really bizzare bad dream. It wasn't a nightmare but just a weird dream that I woke up from all startled and feeling really freakin' bad. The worst part about it was the dream was all about rehashing bad fucked up memories of stuff I have been trying to get past for the past four years (please don't ask for details). It was the first time I can ever remember waking from a dream up breathless.

And then last night I was walking home from the same old cafe I always write this blog at and I passed my ex- girlfriend (not the look-a-like I wrote about a couple months ago, this time I know it was her). I didn't say anything I just walked past her. I didn't do anything because she was with her boyfriend. I probably wouldn't have done anything anyways and I mostly don't care. When I saw her I was standing at a bus stop and I looked over and walking towards me is Coral and her boy. I decided then and there that I would walk.

So, why is this adding to my funk? Didn't I do the right thing? What's the point, why is this bothering me?

Well, first of all I don't like that she just walked on by (ok, sure it's a little hypocritical of me to expect her to do something when I had no plan of doing it myself but who the fuck cares? I'm not perfect, I have emotions and they fuck with me alot)

Secondly, when she noticed me she cuddled up against her boyfriend's arm and kissed him on the shoulder knowing that I was looking right at them. She, purposely made a point that she is with someone. I don't care who she's with but that shit is just rude. And I know she did it for my sake because right after she passed me she went back to walking normally and holding her boy's hand (yes, I looked back I couldn't resist).

But the funny thing is, her boyfriend looks kind of like me. He was about my height and build (only he was a little skinnier then me), has the same color hair and practically the same hair style. He didn't wear glasses like I do. Ha, somebody has a type.

I know this shit shouldn't be bugging me but it is. I should probably be over all this shit but it's real freakin' hard to forget your first love.

God damnit, I really just need to get over this shit. I need to get a new relationship.

Thanks,

Mark