"It's brilliant, being depressed; you can behave as badly as you like. " -- Nick Hornby

    Last night coral was really flirting with me.calling me hunky and stuff. she was happier then usual. she even admitted to wanting to say i was cute, sweet and all that shit.
     then she talked about how she's been thinking about a bunch of the fun things we did when we were together. in particular she was remembering and laughing about the time when we went shopping together at target. when we were done and walking through the parking lot i noticed an empty shopping cart. i picked coral up and placed her in the cart and ran her around the lot. of all the fun, romantic and sweet things I/we did she remembers that silly and stupid little thing. when she said that she remembers that i was like whatever that was stupid. after my saying that she was really quite and was like i gotta go.
    she called me back like an hour or so later and said she wanted to tell me some thing but she couldn't. i said go ahead (already knowing what she was going to say) and that I don't care. she said that she'd been think about all of our good time and that she loved me. she hung up shortly after that.
    i sent her a text message saying "I like the good times 2. and i do love u but i think it's best we just stay friends". she sent me a reply saying that she couldn't be friends with a man that she feels she could die for (that's kind of creepy). i sent my reply that if that's he way she feels ok and said good bye.
    An hour or so  later i was thinking that this might be our last chance. i sent her a text back saying "screw it, i love u more than i could imagine. wanna work an a new relationship?". she sent me a  message back saying she was sleepy and could we talk later tomarrow.  i said yes and that i was sorry (it just seemed like the right thing  to say).
    so, now that we are back to the damn drama bull shit  and i am even more confused then ever. i don't know what to do. yes i do love coral and have for quite some time now but i don't know what i want. I am decently sure that our friendship can be a good one. i think we made a good couple we just had to much bull shit. if we get back together is it gonna last? is there gonna be even more bull shit? can we put our bumpy history behind us? i am so lost in how i feel and i don't have a clue as to what i want.
    I haven't talked to coral today and i don't think i will. i don't even think i want to. this all is a bunch of stuff i don't know how to or want to deal with. I don't know what to do. i mean, friendship or love? it is one of those questions that is a catch-22 no matter what I/we chose it isn't gonna be very cool. the only other option is to just walk away and that makes the catch-22 worse.
    i wish i could just have that last date go away. as i think about it now (20-20 and all that) that date might have been doomed from the start. all those stupid things i said and did would be gone and we would be happy.